Meet Murphy "The Velvet Burrito" Bean...

 

Murphy (aka the Velvet Burrito) was adopted from Salt Lake County Animal Services in 2010. Murph's shelter name was "Clyde" and he was found wandering the streets of SLC with bite marks and some sort of weird but healed impact-trauma injury. He was 1.5 yrs old and unaltered, and with his giant head had been overlooked by other potential adoptive parents for months. I fell in love with him from the very first moment I saw him. Dog # 12 (out of ~100+ pit bulls) pressed his velvety brown bean-shaped body against the walls of his prison and I was dead. An irrevocable bond was formed and I needed him. I literally rushed to adopt him in a deranged panic because I needed it to be official before my rational brain realized that he would be trouble (the shelter staff said he humped every dog they tested him with). Murphy moved to Montana with his dad in 2015, and died of bloat in the summer of 2016.

Murphyfelis

Murphyfelis

Murphcifer

Murphcifer

VikingMurph

VikingMurph

The Velvet Struggle Is Real

The Velvet Struggle Is Real

Murphy is a basking shark.

Murphy is a basking shark.

Murphyfelis

Murphyfelis

MurphyFelis

MurphyFelis

Murph vs the Unicorn

Murph vs the Unicorn

MonsterMurph

MonsterMurph

Modular Murphy

Modular Murphy

MurphyFelis

MurphyFelis

FlapControl

FlapControl

The Velvet Burritos

The Velvet Burrito has been Murph's nickname for years. "Velvet" is because he has THE softest fur I've ever touched on a dog. It's so uncontrollably soft that just touching him sends me into a crazed squeezing panic, which he tolerates, until I get so worked up in an oxytocin-drunk state that one of us is forced to the leave the room so that a death-by-squeezing accident doesn't occur. "Burrito" is because his brown muscly tube-shaped body looks like a burrito and the second half of his official name is Bean. So he became the Bean Burrito, which morphed into the Velvet Burrito. After acquiring this perfect little velvety panther-hippo-pinniped chimera, I've started using the term (lower cased of course) to refer to all velvety tube-shaped bean-burrito bully shaped dogs 

 

The Murphyfly

During his daily hunt for human females to seduce, the Murphyfly arcticensis uses his large floppy ears for echolocation to accurately pinpoint the position of his next victim (the spatial resolution has been measured at 0.1 mm in adult male individuals). Using specialized muscles derived from the orbicularis oris muscle, he is able to vibrate his Flaps of Destiny, emitting a series of variable barks, chuffs and whines at frequencies ranging from 11-212 kHz. These sounds hit potential targets, bounce back, and are analyzed in the dorsal-most region of the cerebrum (hence the giant head of the Murphyfly), so that he can make a 3D mental map of his environment. This special adaptation also allows the Murphyfly to hunt during any and all environmental conditions, including a blizzard or total darkness, making him one of the most dangerous seduction-predators known to man. Scientists are unsure of how a sensory ability so specialized evolved in a canid; however, due to significant differences in craniofacial form and function, the type of echolocation used by the Murphyfly is clearly not homologous with that observed in chiropterans. It has been proposed that this new form of echolocation likely evolved convergently over the past 2-3 million years in a recent ancestor of the extant Murphyfly and is unique to this genus.

 

The Murphyfelis

As the overlord of his kingdom, the Murphyfelis is vigilant in patrolling his territory for intruders, protecting his sausage-shark sister, and hogging all the treats. He uses his golden laser-dot eyes to locate any perimeter violations and bombard the offending biped or quadruped with a monstrous explosion of monster-pig noises. This species of canid-felid hybrid is very possessive, and marks his territory by smearing his Flaps of Destiny all over his human's clothing and most valued items. It is always easy to identify one of the Murphyfelis' humans based upon the Flap-juice stains that cover their pants and laptop. Pair-bonding with a Murphyfelis is not recommend for most people due to their overall deranged intensity, but for those that do, it's completely worth it. Studies have shown that their lives are significantly enhanced by the oxytocin induced highs they receive from the Murphyfelis' warm maple-pajama aroma and painfully soft velveteen-seal-pants fur.

 

The Murphyfox

The Murphyfox is a medium-sized crepuscular carnivore that actively hunts small volant animals in snowy mountainous regions of the northern United States. While this animal is most often a solitary beast, they have been known to bond with a human if captured at a young age. Domestication may occur if the Murphyfox is forced to snuggle for long periods of time via excessive squeezing. They are, however, difficult to maintain as pets due to their unusual treat-restricted diet (the Murphyfox will only feed if the treat-prey is actively flying), and a constant need for tactile attention. In order to induce physical attention from a human, a Murphyfox will emit an intoxicating scent reminiscent of warm maple pajamas; this aroma has been documented by scientists as having a similar effect on the human brain as cocaine. Once a Murphyfox has been domesticated, they will become quite territorial, and will verbally and physically challenge any vertebrate that attempts to enter their domain, thus providing excessive and often unnecessary protection for their human

 

The Murphyursus

The Murphyursus is a grumpy northern ice-bear with close phylogenetic and geographic affinities to the Polar bear, often having overlapping home ranges with its arctic cousin. This species of bear has been documented as having extremely velvety fur, and has faced discrimination from other bears due to jealousy. The Murphyursus has also been known to ingratiate itself with local humans in order to acquire treats and ear rubs in a symbiotic relationship of sorts; however, once a Murphyursus bonds with a human, they become very territorial, frequently initiating minor altercations with other animals.